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EdwardCullen

"This is the skin of a killer." *sparkle sparkle*

Edward Cullen is a major protagonist? in the 2008 film Twilight, and its four sequels, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn I & II. He is played by Robert Pattinson in all of them. (A reality that Pattison regrets to this very day.)

General FactsEdit

  • Could be the originator of Creeping
  • Looks like James Franco if he joined A Flock of Seagulls
  • An abusive piece of shit

TwilightEdit

  • Constantly tells Bella that she should stay the hell away from him, but still creeps up on her every waking second of her life
  • Flat out admits that he sneaks into her room for months and watches her sleep
  • Also says that he has to fight the overwhelming urge to kill her and drink her blood every waking second of his existence
  • She's cool with all of this, though, because she has all the intelligence and decision-making ability of a cinder block
  • Does not burn into dust when he stands in sunlight, but instead...SPARKLES
  • Flat out says he is addicted to smelling Bella
  • Bites a chunk out of James Sutherland's temple after he bites Bella's arm
  • Saves her by sucking the venom out, which would not work
  • Goes to prom with the mouth-breather
  • Refuses to turn her into a vampire then and there because you can't sell more books or movie tickets that way

New MoonEdit

  • To save Bella from Jasper Hale's random bloodlust at her papercutting herself, stiff-arms her into a mirror and table, which badly injures her
  • Doesn't show even the slightest bit of remorse for doing this
  • It's okay, though, because Bella gives no fucks about being emotionally and, now, physically abused by this asshole
  • Worse, he gives some horrible bullshit excuse for him having to leave her forever, so he and his entire family just leave Forks
  • Decides to kill himself because the movie's script, in the most contrived way possible, made it as unnecessarily vague as humanly possible in order to give Bella an excuse to just fly off to Rome to save him from the most avoidable suicide we have ever seen
  • Couldn't think to call someone other than the jealous werewolf to find out if the vapid girl of his dreams is alive or dead
  • Seriously, there are like 50 different ways this entire situation could have been avoided--and all of them begin with the phrase, "Why don't you just..."
  • Prefered method of suicide is apparently to streak naked in the middle of the Vatican at noon
  • Because being sparkly is going expose vampires instead of making people think he had a hot night at The Glitter Pit?
  • The Vampire Mafia really wants him because of his telepathy
  • Based on the events of this movie (e.g., they outright state this festival in Rome is the celebration of the expulsion of vampires from the city), he was essentially willing to cause a war to start between humans and vampires because his clingy, obsessive, sociopathic bitch of an ex-girlfriend didn't take their break-up particularly well
  • Refuses to turn Bella into a vampire unless she marries him, which makes for the most anticlimactic cliffhanger in film history

Eclipse Edit

  • Constantly lies to Bella--shocking, I know...
  • Tries to weasel out of his and Bella's agreement to turn her if she marries him
  • PURPOSELY sabotaged his girlfriend's car to keep her from seeing another boy
  • Says he was prepared to break a centuries-old treaty just because Bella dared to go see another boy
  • Why do people root for this fuckstick, again???

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